HrmmmNrmmm

So I got a message on my Tumblr from someone who was raising awareness about teen suicide. In which I was immediately remind of a senior my freshman year at Stetson who hung himself in his dorm room. I remember how blown away everyone was because he was a Music major; I believe he was a harpsichordist and pianist? I remember seeing him around but didn't know the guy. Then a couple years later someone shot themselves outside of the music school.

I hadn't thought about these two things since they happened. And then I got this tumblr message asking me to promote suicide awareness to help struggling teens seek help before they seek the end, yea? It's kind of crazy that the age group for most suicides is 18-25 but I guess it makes sense because... well I just saw this movie and there was a great line in it.

"I guess I was just too young to know you can get over anything."

The movie was Paper Man with Jason (Ryan?) Reynolds, Jeff Daniels and Emma Stone. It was a strange movie...I guess it was good, but that line WAS the movie.

Anyway, I think that that's true for younger kids, and per my post on our current "safety society", I think that we DON'T really understand that we can get over anything. We don't give ourselves enough credit. I was just talking with a friend about how, in the Christian faith, you can very easily lose yourself and your confidence because you are sort of always aware of your shortcomings. I know a lot of people pretty much hate the Catholic church because of memories of Sisters or Preachers condemning them to hell and an eternity of suffering!! But, when the hershey hits the fan we sort of do that to ourselves anyway (which is why we don't really need the reminder IMHO...)

Anyway I'm derailing- I bring that up because just this morning I was reading 2Corinthians and Paul is talking specifically about this problem. Our innate sense of guilt. Here (chapter 4?) he was talking about a guy that was told to leave the church because he was unrepentant of some big sin (I'd love to hear your thoughts on this in the comments!) and post expulsion had really turned his life around. Paul was telling them to let him back into fellowship, forgive, live in the Spirit and in harmony because you can drive a man insane with guilt.

But guilt isn't there to make us feel bad. It's there so that we can experience the Joy that God wants us to. It's the yin/yang, +/- of life. It all goes back to why we suffer at all. Without the knowledge of our inadequacies, how can we truly appreciate what was done for us at Calvary. Even if you're not a Christian and you make your own moral compass, you can appreciate what was done. Imagine what Christians feel when we think of the Almighty God, creator of the universe, doing that because he loves you and he just wants to talk =)

"I guess I was just too young to know you can get over anything."

WHAT?! sleep and games? sure they don't go together

I'm still not sleeping.

It sucks. I mean maybe it doesn't suck, I'm not a huge fan of sleep. But I know I need it. It's important to sleep. Maybe I wouldn't have some of the problems I do have if I were able to sleep more. But whatever. It's not that bad because I don't feel tired. Maybe it's a sign that I'm too inactive? I'm workin on that! I can finally do qigong again. Sort of. But it's a huge improvement over the pukish, nausea that I used to get a few weeks ago.

But one positive of waking up super early is that I feel like reading The Bible. AND Matthew Henry's commentary. 0.o I have always read my Bible every day...until I started chemo. I figured God understood the breaks. I would try to get back into it but these last years it's been intermediate at best. So it's nice to finally have the concentration to really read it again with some sort of regularity.

This morning I read 1Corinthians 10. Paul really has it out for these guys =) but ch.10 was a flip in tone and pretty interesting.

"I speak as to wise men; judge ye what I say. The cup of blessing which we bless, is it not the communion of the blood of Christ? The bread which we break, is it not the communion of the body of Christ? For we being many are one bread, and one body: for we are all partakers of that one bread. Behold Israel after the flesh: are the which eat of the sacrifices partakers of the altar? What say I then? that the idol is any thing, or that which is offered in sacrifice to idols is any thing? But I say , that the things which the Gentiles sacrifice, they sacrifice to devils, and not to God: and I would not that ye should have fellowship with devils. Ye cannot drink the cup of the Lord, and the cup of devils: ye cannot be partakers of the Lord's table, and of the table of devils. Do we provoke the Lord to jealousy? are we stronger than he? All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not. Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth." 1Corinthians 10:15-24

Maybe I thought it was interesting because of a recent conversation I had with a friend. But I think what Paul talks about here is pretty profound because he's laying out how we as Christians are all unified. Like the spiritual atheist you know, or the Buddhist monk you once met, he's telling us and reminding us that we're all in the same boat.

But he makes a distinction about what we're doing in that boat. (There's some good history here so read up if interested, or post a comment and I'll do my best to explain what I've garnered). On one hand, let's bring this into the present, the Christian is sacrificing his life for God. Ideally, everything we do we dedicate to God. Our souls have been transferred into the very hands of God. GOD! So we should act like it. Show some respect! Right? But on the other we live in a very non-God world. How do we reconcile these? Run away from anyone that you haven't met in Church? Well Jesus SPEWS FROM HIS MOUTH the 'lukewarm' Christians...

Maybe I should quote more because in the previous chapters Paul stresses the importance of how there is no reason to separate ourselves as Christians from the rest of the world. It's almost un-Biblical if not impossible.

"To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. " 1Corinthians 9:21/22

Wait, now it sounds like in Ch.10 he's contradicting what he said in Ch.9. How can you not drink of the table of "devil's" yet "[be] all things to all people?" Simple. He's talking about the heart. What is going on inside. Ya know, the only thing that MATTERS to God ;)

I fear that too many Christians, and non-Christians that read parts of the Bible like what Paul is talking about here, get upset about this 'segregation' that comes up with Christians and you heathen beasts (teeheehee). I just don't think that segregation should exist. I don't think that's the intent.

"Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth."

That's probably the point of the whole thing. Not money, but the wealth of the individual. Their spiritual, physical, and mental wealth. Love them. Don't shun them.

Ya know in my head this whole post was a lot shorter, concise, and well executed. I hope you get something out of it. I read it now and it sounds like I'm painfully confused....

Also, I wanted to talk about GAMES. I've been playing more lately. Actually I've been DOING more lately. I finished editing my graphic novel (again). I split the big single volume into 3 smaller parts. It works a lot better this way. Hopefully I've improved my characters too because, as a writer..well I'm not a writer. I'm pretty terrible.

I started collaborating with a guy in France, Jean-Baton. That's been AWESOME. I hope we keep writing stuff, it's really great. Maybe we'll get a single out for you guys to hear.

But GAMES! I've got all these games that I've never been able to finish so I'm going through and playing through them. Manly because there are a bunch of games coming down the horizon that I'm really excited about. FireFall, a free FPSMMO entering invite-beta at the end of the month looks to mix Tribes with Borderlands in a persistent online world.

And speaking of Tribes, we get a free Tribes too!!!!

Not to mention the upcoming Diablo 3, Deus Ex, DOTA2... it's all a bit much. so I need to catch up whilst I can! But being productive is getting in the way! =) ha, that's the best thing ever!

peace love and chicken bacon! ew that sounds gross.

Motivation, Collaboration, Food, and Fatigue

So let's agree that the last 2+ years have been erratic. My desire to even write music has come and gone (and been shattered completely) like the waves that seek the shoreline. But when it comes I try to take advantage of it. Not just writing music, all my projects. I write stories. Or at least I get lots of ideas for stories. I'm working on a graphic novel, which made me start drawing again ( I think I told you guys this...but hey my mind is shot! drugs are terrible...)
So I'm on prednisone...not sleeping...and trying to be productive in whatever way I can.

Odd thing happened. I like to send messages to music fans on Reverbnation (maybe like...isn't the word) to get some exposure ya know? Well I've sent like 2 thousand so far and don't really get many responses, but I've gotten some people that really enjoy Pissing Graffiti! YAY! It's a great feeling.

So anyway I meet this guy Jean-Baton. He does really cool stuff. Lots of samples and just... initially I was drawn to the images he uses and then the juxtaposition of what you would expect with what you hear....I was sold. Really good music. You can download the albums here - and yes I recommend all 3. They're free if you want just click on the album, then "Télécharger" and in the bottom field just enter your e-mail address.

So i was pretty humbled when he asked to collaborate. I'm definitely not near even my C game, but I thought this would be really interesting to see what happens. So far...he blew me away. I'm excited to keep working with him and see what comes of it.

Prednisone is sure messing with me. But I'm eating. And have become crazy with Kithen Nightmares and Master Chef. The Kitchen Nightmares in US sucks compared to UK. Just my opinion. Any recommendations? I like to look at food and get ideas.....to ask my mom to cook for me =) teehee

Yea, and I'm not sleeping. Every morning at 3 I end up stark awake with a need to poop. ? What? yea. Poop. Doesn't make sense and as I was already having trouble sleeping...this is just absurd. Going on 2 weeks now and really starting to feel it.
This is a lot longer than I wanted it to be, so I'm sorry. :shrug: drop me a line. leave a comment. download my album. BUY my album =) I have another one that I'm working on for my stuff that should be really neat. It's peaceful! :gasp:

by for now.
OH! I;m not done yet. Check this out. Trent Reznor on Spotify!

I think this is profound and hope to find more artists because my last review blasted me for being too much like NIN and using his influences...but I didn't really listen to his influences. So yay. Spotify is cool and all, but look how many plays you need in order to makeminimum wage... SHOCKING! (click to go to article)

And because we all need to laugh!

Life Life Life Life Life

So, I got into Google+ as apparently it's the cool thing. Kind of sucks that it's another thing to update but I LOVE it's Picasa integration. I've never used the upload feature because they would just sit there. Now..they have purpose. Like sharing bulk dumps of my previous Korean life =)

And it seems like, at least among my friends, there isn't all this stuff that's barraging you.

On other things I'm taking steroids! Prednisone. In the hospital it made me suicidal. They're giving me a lot less and so far so good. I can actually eat! But now I think I have mucositis acting up again for God knows what reason so it HURTS when I eat... =/ an acceptable trade.

Have recently had an abnormal number of people suddenly start responding positively to my Pissing Graffiti work. This on the cusp of a musical depression at how little people seemed to care.

Been thinking about PG a lot too. It is kind of negative material, or at least my negative emotions. My thinking was that I would be able to use it to help people. Not just relate, that's kind of good; but to do a not corny hope aspect. I don't know if I've got the talent for it but I'll try. In the mean time... what do you guys think? I love it, always will. It's the other 50% of my emotions nobody ever gets to hear.

Also! I have decided to just replace my laptop hard drive since I couldn't bounce my generative piece properly so that comes in Monday. Once I have two good hour long bounces I should be ready to go. It's just getting the Mac/Windows app packed with the album that's gonna be hard. I was just let known a problem with one of my synths! So...Pray for a month for it's release? teaser album shot =) see my buddy?

First Choice

Second Choice

Third Choice

We'll see who tops out. Leave a comment on thoughts.

things I don't understand - thoughts version

#7 - Schutzstaffel, Secret Service. The Nazi's had one, the US has the other, but they're both abbreviated SS.

#403 - Why do we always judge people the harshest when they violate our morals, but then blame other people for the problems of the world?

#3 - Why do we never keep our promises?

#6 - Why is it always easier to lie?

#68 - Why would you want to live fast and die young, when all the important things in life come from old people?

#2 - Why doesn't EVERYBODY draw on their walls?

#887 - Why is beauty so hard to describe?

#72 - Why is it always so funny when other people get hurt?

#31 - Do body builders get cancer?

#29 - I got hit with the cancer. So did my dog. What?

#182 - Why are popular things unattractive when nothing is original?